Making of The Metatron
by AppleJuiceMaster
Summary: Gosh golly darnit, ever wondered how they made Rickman anatomically impaired? Well.. perhaps you didn't, here is my silly idea of it anyways!


Disclaimer: I do not own anything, except my insanity which made me write this and my Alan Rickman films. Do not sue. K?  
  
Anatomically impaired  
  
Kevin Smith: Now, where is that damned British son of a bi- Oh, hi Alan!  
  
Alan: *raises eyebrow* I'm really fond of you too, Keith  
  
Kevin: That's Kevin  
  
Alan: Yeah, that's what I said. Now, how exactly are you going to make me 'anatomically impaired'?  
  
Kevin: *evil grin* We're going to chop your dick and testicals off.  
  
Alan: I think I'm going to call my lawyer. Seriously, how?  
  
Kevin: Like I just said.  
  
Alan: *sigh* damn Ken...  
  
Some time later. To be exact, 3 hours, 27 minutes and 15 seconds later.  
  
Alan: This is so stupid  
  
Kevin: Alan Dickman is no more!  
  
Alan: Now there's a relief. I think the worst part was that the person who did THIS *points at crotch which is as smooth as a baby seal* was humming "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" the whole time!  
  
Kevin: I pick my crew very well  
  
Alan: He said I had a cute arse!  
  
Kevin: *shrugs* Americans don't lie  
  
Alan: Ohh yeah, sure, and is choking in a pretzel right now.  
  
Meanwhile, at the White House, DC  
  
George Bush: Hmmm... pretzels *Homer Simpson like gurgle* Thanks!  
  
Pretzel boy: Hey, what about my money?  
  
Bush: I'm the friggin' president! Now get out of my office!  
  
Pretzel boy: But...  
  
Bush: SECURITY!  
  
Security guard: C'mon kid, don't disturb the president  
  
Pretzel boy: You'll regret this, you fascist!  
  
Bush: *pondering what "fascist" means* Okay, whatever. *takes a pretzel out the bag* Hmm... *eats it* soooo gooood... *swallows* Oh God... it's...it's stuck!! *starts choking* Help... *faints*  
  
Back at the Dogma set...  
  
TV: NEWSFLASH: Paparazzo have reported that president George W. Bush just choked in one of these delicious, yummy, salty pretzels. He'll be okay. Now, in better news, a cute kitty was found playing with a ball of yarn. What a cute, silly kitty!  
  
Kevin: Whoa! *backs away from Alan*  
  
Alan: Oh my God! I was Nostradamus in one of my other lives!  
  
Kevin: Who?!  
  
Alan: *annoyed sigh* Doesn't the name ring a bell!? You Americans, if there isn't a movie made about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?!  
  
Kevin: Ha! You just quoted directly from my script! Huzzah!  
  
Alan: Riiiiiiiight... Say, can I put some clothes on now? I don't want to catch a cold...  
  
Kevin: Yeah, you are freezing your balls off! *starts to laugh hysterical*  
  
Alan: *sarcastic* Oh, really funny. Yeah... Heh... hehehe... HAHA! *bursts into hysterical laughter as well*  
  
Both are laughing for the next 5 minutes  
  
Alan: *wipes eyes* Oh, that was funny. Damn, I've got to piss!  
  
Kevin: Too bad, you can't!  
  
Alan: Let's just do the scene and get this over with.  
  
Kevin: Alright follow me.  
  
Alan: Errr... I can't move!  
  
Kevin: Sucks to be you, man...  
  
Alan: And I'm naked too. I swear, if I can move again, I'm SO going to bitchslap you, you... BASTARD!  
  
Kevin: I love it when you talk dirty to me!  
  
Alan: *mumbling* You messed up Americans...  
  
Again, some time later, at the 'Bethany bedroom' set  
  
Linda: I... like your eyeliner, Alan  
  
Alan: What about my hair? Do you know how much gel is in it?  
  
Linda: *starts laughing perversely*  
  
Alan: *rolls eyes* Oh, grow up. I hate being the old guy around here...  
  
Linda: *tries not to laugh* Sorry, I'm perverted... I think your hair is cool. Wait, you can't move, right?  
  
Alan: Stating the obvious.  
  
Linda: You're standing in a very Fonz like position...  
  
Alan: No. Do. Not. Ask.  
  
Linda: Could you do that "ayyy" thing he does? Please?  
  
Alan: No.  
  
Linda: I'll show you my tits.  
  
Alan: Ayyy! *thumbs up*  
  
Linda: *Flashes Alan*  
  
Alan: You bitch, you're anatomically impaired too!  
  
Linda: *cackles evilly*  
  
Kevin: Is everyone ready?  
  
Linda: Yep!  
  
Alan: I still have to piss, I've just been flashed by someone without tits for doing an Fonz imitation, but I'm just as ready as... as... err...  
  
Everyone: Well?  
  
Alan: As... Forget it, let's do the scene.  
  
Kevin: Okay... Light, camera, testicals!  
  
Alan: *sarcastically* Oh yeah, really amusing.  
  
Kevin: CUT! Alan, stop laughing your ass off! It's the only thing you've got left!  
  
Alan: There is no God...  
  
Kevin: Yes, there is! And you work for Him, remember?  
  
Alan: You're taking this movie a bit too serious, Keith.  
  
Kevin: Kevin.  
  
Alan: Yeah, I said that.  
  
Kevin: Never miiiind... Light, camera, ACTION!  
  
Alan: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up!  
  
Linda: Whatever you do, please don't kill or rape me.  
  
Alan: Oh give over will you! I couldn't rape you if I'd wanted to...  
  
Ben Afflek: *in terribly pathetic attempt to imitate a British accent* I say, you've got no bullocks, sir!  
  
Alan: Damn! I did so well. Don't you have to go on the block, Ben? *starts laughing*  
  
There is a long silence.  
  
Alan: get it? He's going to marry Jennifer Lopez... Jenny on the block...?  
  
Ben: Err... no...  
  
Alan: Oh. Oh! That will happen in 2003. Sorry for ruining the surprise. I *am* Nostradamus!  
  
More silence  
  
Alan: What did you people learn at school?  
  
Everyone: SEX!  
  
Alan: *Annoyed sigh* Let's try the scene again. You shut up, Ben. Or you'll be next on my bitchslapping list.  
  
Kevin: Light, camera... Action!  
  
Alan: I couldn't rape you if I'd wanted to... *tries to open zipper, but it's stuck* Keith! I can't get it open!  
  
Kevin: It's KEVIN! Ben, help him, will you?  
  
Ben: Aww, why me?  
  
Kevin: Because you ruined the last scene. Just do it!  
  
Ben: *kneels before Alan*  
  
Everyone: Oh God, I'm sooo perverted!  
  
Ben & Alan: SHUT UP!  
  
Ben: Just hold still...  
  
Alan: That'll be easy, given the fact that I cannot move!  
  
Ben: *trying to open Alan's zipper* I'd never thought I'd be kneeling in front of an old British guy who can't get his zipper open...  
  
Alan: *looking down* You've got dandruff, Ben.  
  
Ben: Yeah, and you've got no dick!  
  
Alan: Okay, good point.  
  
Ben: *finally opens Alan's zipper* Holy shit! *eyes widen* That. Is. The. Most. Scary. Thing. EVER. *looks up* Uhm...  
  
Alan: What?!  
  
Ben: Can... can I touch it?  
  
Everyone: *gasps*  
  
Alan: Hell no! *pushes Ben, who falls on the floor*  
  
Ben: Awww, man...  
  
Kevin: ANYWAY... Alan, ready to do the scene again?  
  
Alan: Guess so. *whispers to Ben* If you REALLY want to, you can touch it real quick, while I distract everyone. Ok?  
  
Ben: *nods happily*  
  
Alan: All right. *yells* Hey, look all, a pink elephant! *points behind everyone*  
  
Everyone: Where?! *turns around*  
  
Alan: Now!  
  
Ben: *touches* Oooh... smooth ! *let's go*  
  
Kevin: There was no pink elephant there!  
  
Alan: Oh... my mistake. *pulls up pants*  
  
Kevin: *suspicious* Alaaaan... did you go trough Jay's stash?  
  
Alan: *quickly* No!  
  
Kevin: Alright then! *checks camera*  
  
Alan: *to self* Whew... that was close  
  
Kevin: Let's do the Metatron scene agaaaaain!! *does silly little dance* Get it?  
  
There is a long silence  
  
Alan: *suddenly* Ahhaa! Yes, I get it! Let's do the Time Warp again, Rocky Horror Picture Show! Good one, Keith!  
  
Kevin: Kevin.  
  
Alan: You Keith, me Alan.  
  
Kevin: *sighs* Light, camera... action!  
  
Alan: I couldn't rape you if I'd wanted to. *drops pants* see? I'm just as anatomically impaired as Chucky.  
  
Kevin: Cut!  
  
Alan: What!?  
  
Kevin: Don't change the script! And by the way, Chucky is NOT anatomically impaired!  
  
Alan: How do you know that?!  
  
Kevin: Everyone who has seen the Bride of Chucky knows that! Hot steaming puppet lovin'!  
  
Alan: *mumbles* That was just a bit too much information...  
  
Kevin: Ok, again. Now do it right, ok?  
  
Alan: Yes, sir... *pulls up pants*  
  
Kevin: Light, camera, ACTION!  
  
Alan: I couldn't rape you if I'd wanted to. *drops pants* see? I'm just as anatomically impaired as a KEN doll!  
  
Kevin: Cut! Great! Tomorrow we'll do the wings.  
  
Alan: *sarcastically* Oh, goody. Can I go to the toilet now?  
  
Kevin: No. We'll have to peel all the clay off first.  
  
Alan: Damn it...  
  
Ben: *whispering to Alan* Call me!  
  
Alan I hate my job...  
  
~~Yep. I know that I am crazy. I do realise that this isn't the way it really went, obviously, but hey, it's just for my own sick amusement!~ 


End file.
